Friday:

Q: Ari, the New York Times ran a story yesterday saying that the Bush Administration has a greater percentage of broken lightbulbs than any administration since the Great Depression. Does the Administration have any comment on that report?

A: As you probably know, I really can't say anything about lightbulbs which may or may not be broken. All information on lightbulbs has been classified for reasons of national security.

Q: What? Since when?

Q: Why- (several people speaking at once)

A: Folks, folks, I think the American people understand that sometimes national security has to come before your need to get a story.

Q: What do broken lightbulbs have to do with national security? We were talking about them just yesterday! Lightbulbs have never been a secret.

Q: It's true- look! I can't access the lightbulbs.gov webpage on my laptop.

A: Yes, that has been taken down. I think I've already addressed that question. Just because you ask it twice doesn't mean I will answer it differently the second time. I really can't comment any further. Howard?

Q: Ari, does President Bush feel that the former administration's "loose lips" regarding lightbulbs may have created a security risk that contributed to September 11?

(FIN)



That’s it; I’m all out of funny. This weekend, I’m going to try to transform the long-lost tedbarlow faq into the Lightbulb Variations Museum. I’ll include them all in the order they were posted, plus all the jokes I can find from commentors and other bloggers. If you’ve written a joke and I haven’t linked to it, feel free to put it in the comments or email me, and I’ll include it in the Museum. Thanks, everyone.

UPDATE: Max, you've done it again.

UPDATE II: Greg Beato is a very funny fellow.

From the comments, from Steven desJardins:

Q. How many bloggers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Lightbulbs are "Old Media". Today we can download photons directly from the Internet!

Q: How many campaign dirty tricks does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Q wants to focus on how negativity can change a lightbulb. But is it too much to ask that he changes it? Apparently it is. Maybe that's why Citizens for Responsible Lighting gives Q a "D-" when it comes to providing the illumination that so many families depend upon. [subliminal image: MOLESTOR]

Call Q and tell him to do his job.

Paid for by Citizens for Responsible Lighting

Q: A wants you to believe that he has the courage to change lightbulbs. [visual: carefully cropped photo of A, hiding Vietnam wounds and "Certified Lightbulb Changer" badge] Let's look at the facts.

FACT: Q has changed over 200 lightbulbs in this state.
FACT: A only established residency in this state in 1995. [carefully cropped photo of A wearing Shelbyville Shelbyvillians baseball jersey and cap.]
FACT: A has discussed a quota-based system of hiring lightbulb changers [subliminal image: black man stepping on white man and laughing]

A doesn't understand our values, or our problems. A wants you to believe that he has the courage to lead. But can we take that chance?

Q: Leadership that's working

Paid for by the Committee to Re-Elect Q

A: Good evening, how are you tonight? Sorry to bother you at home, ma'am, but I wonder if you would mind answering a few questions about the upcoming election. It will only take five minutes or less, and your opinions are very important to us. First, are you aware of Candidate Q? Would you say your opinion of him is very negative, somewhat negative, somewhat positive, or very positive?

Second, if you heard that Q had fathered a child out of wedlock with Anna Nichole Smith, would that affect your opinion of him? Are you aware that he has never shown proof that these charges are not true?

Q mole: Dear George Will,

I believe that the enclosed documents will be of interest to the A debate preparation team...

A: His name is Q. Come on. Q...

Don't make us spell it out.

[visual: Disco Q wearing leather harness and lathering up a man in tight shorts and roller skates (artist's conception)]

Paid for by mmmph mmm mmph

Q: NOTICE: PLEASE DO NOT FORGET TO VOTE NEXT WEDNESDAY.

If you believe that you are qualified to vote, your polling station is the OLD ABANDONED RAILROAD STATION on 115th Street.

BEFORE ATTEMPTING TO VOTE, PLEASE TAKE CARE OF ALL OUTSTANDING FINES, WARRANTS, TAXES, UTILITY BILLS, OVERDUE LIBRARY BOOKS AND RENTALS, AND POTENTIAL MISUNDERSTANDINGS.

NO FATTYS.

Combustible Boy has a Lileks joke. My hat is off to you, sir.

Q: How many Ann Coulters does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: She doesn't need to. Sweet, sweet Ann can light up a room with her smile.

How often has this happened to you- you come home and your inbox is full of lightbulb jokes? I had more than I could use, but they'll appear on the DVD. In addition to the comments, which you should be checking:

- David Hogberg and Ross from Bloviator both have jokes that I'm loathe to give away. So click on over.

- Reader kmylanta hit the trifecta with some great John Edwards jokes:

Q: How many John Edwards does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Just one. The same as regular people.

-------------------

Q: How many John Edwards does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One. And $25 million in damages from the cold, heartless, multinational corporation whose reckless disregard for public safety lead to the production of such a hazardous product in the first place.

-------------------

Q: How many John Edwards does it take to change his favorite lightbulb?

A: Boy, that's a good question. The question I usually get is who is your political hero and the leader that you admire the most. And that person would be the person whose Senate seat I hold, Terry Sanford, who was Governor of North Carolina and had been in the United States Senate for the simple reason that we talked about earlier, that he led North Carolina in a time of great racial unrest and unlike other southern leaders at the same time who fought for segregation, did not have the courage to stand up for what was right, Terry Sanford did exactly the opposite. He showed real leadership in a time of crisis and difficulty and character and backbone, which I myself, speaking for myself, I think that's what leadership is about. It's about strength and courage, understanding the problems of regular people, but having the wisdom and vision to stand up for what's right.

Q: How about the lightbulb?

A: I mean, no specific, no favorite lightbulb comes to mind right now.

A week later, in Salon ...

Q: So, before you go, do you have an answer yet on your favorite lightbulb?

A: I don't have a favorite lightbulb, that's why I didn't have an answer for that question.

And from reader Nelson:

Q: How many Mickey Kauses does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Has Howell Raines lightbulb obsession begun to take its toll on New York Times' reporting staff? Adam Nagourney, normally a fine reporter, devotes most of his story today to the burned-out bulb, but buries the fact that lightbulb burnouts are down almost 10 percent since the 1996 welfare reform bill. Could it be that as single mothers enter the workforce they use less electricity in their homes and prolong the life of their bulbs? Another benefit of welfare reform!

P.S. Brad Delong claims that the burn out decline can be pinned on recent skyrocketing electricity prices he blames on the Bush administration. Maybe so. But aren't higher electricity prices a good thing, if they encourage single mothers to go off welfare?

Q: How many Green party voters does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Dude, we shouldn't have to change lightbulbs. GE has this secret lab in Costa Rica, and they made a lightbulb out of hemp that totally lasts forever.

Q: How many Sean Hannitys does it take to change a broken lightbulb?

A: Opportunitybulb! Opportunitybulb!

ALAN COLMES: Of course, I’m sorry. Opportunitybulb.

Q: How many Little Green Footballs posters does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: #1 LordVoldemort 1/16/2003 08:53AM PST

Did you know that Israeli industry makes 2.3 lightbulbs every year for each Jew on earth. How many would you like to bet Arab industry makes?

#2 Mike 1/16/2003 08:57AM PST

Seriously. Our friends the Saudis would be eating Ramadan dinner in the dark if it wasn’t for Israel. And what a shame that would be…

#3 SpumCo 1/16/2003 09:04AM PST

Islam: the Religion of Peace!

#4 Ben P 1/16/2003 09:14 AM PST

You don't understand. We lazy Western pigs need lightbulbs. But Muslims aren’t subject to our perverted Western ideas of illumination; all the illumination they need comes from the Koran. And since they’re only subject to the Sharia, not the dhimmi's laws, they can blow up every light bulb factory in Israel. Allah will provide all the light they need.

Or at least, that's probably what they think.

#5 JamesBeam 1/16/2003 09:32 AM PST

And after the lightbulb factories were blown up, we could watch CNN/ MSNBC/ ABCBSNBC to see the heartbreaking stories of how the poor palis at their madrasas had to squint to read their lessons. Because, never forget, they’re the real victims here.

#6 RighteousDude 1/16/2003 09:35 AM PST

#3 SpumCo: LOL!

Q: How many Paul Krugmans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Just one, but he’ll spend three weeks writing about why the burned-out lightbulb is Bush’s fault.

Note: this also works as an answer to “How many Ted Barlows does it take to change a lightbulb?”

Q: How many Robert Novaks does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. Mushrooms grow best in the dark.

Q: How many Jonah Goldbergs does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: BETTER TO LIGHT A SINGLE CANDLE…[Jonah Goldberg]
Another deadline? But I just passed one…

Any readers know anything about broken lightbulbs? Thanks in advance.

(with affection to J.G.)

Q: How many Jane Galts does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Gather around, my darlings, while I explain something about the lightbulb industry. I worked in a lightbulb factory in lower Manhattan when I was a wee lass…

(1000 words later)

…round and round until the handle breaks off. My liberal Democratic friends all agree.

Archaeologists on a joke dig have recently uncovered several strata in the Al Gore joke.

From March 1996:

Q: How many Al Gores does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One.

From February 2000:

Q: How many Al Gores-

A: Liar!

From August 2000:

Q: How many Al Gores does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Actually, Tipper likes it in the dark. Rowr.

From January 2003

Q: How many Al Gores does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: …that’s funny. Ever since he announced he wasn’t running for President, I can’t find Al Gore anywhere.

alternate answer

A: Liar!

Q: How many Maureen Dowds does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One to do it, and one to compare the old, unpopular bulb to Carmella Soprano or some bullshit.

Q: How many warbloggers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: I resent the implication. We have the finest all-volunteer lightbulb-changers in the world.

Thursday:

Q: Ari, President Bush was quoted yesterday saying that each broken lightbulb-

A: I’m sorry, Terry, I’m not familiar with that term.

Q: Right. Each “opportunitybulb” would be responsible for creating 10,000 new jobs. Furthermore, he said that future unemployment figures would be immediately adjusted downward based on the number of opportunitybulbs. How did he come to the figure of 10,000 new jobs?

A: I’ll have to get back to you on that one, Terry.

Q: Ari, the Wall Street Journal ran that number by three labor experts, and each of them said that 10,000 jobs per bulb was an outrageous number. Do you have any information at all about how they can justify that number?

A: Steve, it’s quite clear that if you were President, you wouldn’t remove 10,000 people from the unemployment rolls for each opportunitybulb. The President has made it quite clear that he will. I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree. (laughter)

It’s also quite clear that the Wall Street Journal article in question was rather controversial. As you know, Steve, those three quote-unquote “experts” were immediately challenged to a knife fight by the Wall Street Journal’s own Paul Gigot. Also, our Total Information Awareness program has revealed that one of them, Dr. Lawton of Princeton University, downloads pornography onto his home computer. I think that the American people deserve better than that.

Q: Ari, is it legal for you to disseminate that kind of information in order to discredit critics of the Administration?

A: First, I have to disagree with your characterization. But to address your question, it's up to the Supreme Court to decide how the Bush Administration can use its TIA information, not me. Now, does anyone else have a lightbulb question?

Q: No.

Q: No.

Q: No.

No joke here, but read Rittenhouse anyway and think of lost friends.

OKAY, ONE MORE UPDATE: Indeed.

A reader wrote in with an alternate WSJ joke, slightly edited:

Q: How many Wall Street Journal editorial page writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: All of them together can't do it. In order to remove the old bulb, they'd have to turn left, and no one's willing to consider it.

Charles Kuffner has an Instapundit joke, and Charles Donefer has a Kaus joke. Personally, I've found getting the tone right for Kaus very difficult, for some reason.

Also, Clint McGuire has a great Rush Limbaugh joke in the comments to this post. Did I say "read the comments"? Read the comments.

Alex Frantz has a pair of lightbulb jokes up. I can't help quoting this one:

Q: How many Joe Liebermans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We must move beyond narrow partisanship. I am not afraid to replace a light bulb that is working or leave a burned out bulb in place.

Q: How many Fiskers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A:

How

You know, it’s funny. Right after a huge media storm about how racist the bad ol’ Republican party was, Q here starts his question with a salutation straight from Injun Joe in an old Lone Ranger serial. I guess that’s why Strom Thurmond was a DEMOCRAT for all those years. You got that? DEM-O-CRAT.

many

Boy, this just gets better and better, doesn’t it? Q, old boy, you’re batting 1.000 so far.

Isn't it strange to hear an idiotarian like Q-bert here lecturing us about “many”? After all, if his economy-ruining policies were put into effect, the only people who would have “many” of anything would be the trial lawyers.

By the way, “Q”, James Bond called. He wants his former gadget-man’s name back.

Fiskers

Now we’re getting somewhere.

does it take

You know what it “does… take”? It takes honor, and determination, and hard work. Something that your type will never understand. (You probably think that “it takes a village”, right?)

But of course, Qwybaby here isn’t content with just one verb in a sentence. No, he’s got to have two. And an infinitive, to boot:

to change

Change? Regime change, time change, climate change, the times they are a'changin'... what?

Here’s a usage I suspect you're intimately familiar with- “Spare change?”

a lightbulb?

Thank you, Citizen Q. Don't call us, we'll call you.

Advantage: A!

Q: How many Washington Times writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One. (Unless that one is Andrew Sullivan, in which case they employ an extra one to discreetly disinfect everything he touches.)

Q: How many Joe Liebermans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: I think that it’s unfair to imply that the Administration hasn’t done all it can with regards to the opportunitybulb situation.

Q: How many Al Sharptons does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Why? Because I’m black!?

Q: How many Bill Frists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One.

Q: How many right-wing commentators does it take to point out that Frist’s lightbulb-changing underlines his essential decency and makes him a lot harder to demonize?

A: Pretty much all of them, apparently.

(Alternate version)

Q: How many Bjorn Lomborgs does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: You’re revealing your left-wing bias by asking.

Hesiod has his own Instapundit joke.

Jim Henley at Unqualified Offerings had this joke up last October:

I Tell You a Joke!

Q: How many warbloggers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Today's Mark Steyn column is a must read!

(We laugh in the face of death here in Montgomery County! Laugh, I tell you!)

Also, let me reiterate: read the comments. This one, from spacewaitress, is great:

Q. How many bloggers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. "The lightbulb changed me, in ways I'd never even imagined."

Q: How many Bjorn Lomborgs, author of The Skeptical Environmentalist, does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Experts estimate that between 1 and 1000 lightbulbs are changed every day in Svyerkasgaard. Furthermore, these same experts estimate that it takes between 1 and 1000 people to change them. Using these estimates, we can conclude that it takes as many as 1000 people to change a lightbulb, an investment that far outweighs any possible benefit in terms of visibility. So forget that.

Q: How many InstaPundits does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One. And that’s a feature, not a bug.

UPDATE: Doonesbury has a tiresome strip on lightbulbs. I don’t know what happened to Garry Trudeau. He used to be so much funnier and so much more relevant back when I agreed with him. Now he’s really changed.

ANOTHER UPDATE: A reader asks:

“I used to work in academia, and I feel like I have a little insight on these “pro-light” activists. In our office, the lights were often used to illuminate an applicant in order to ascertain his race.

One question is conspicuous for its absence in the major media. Why are they so eager to see the lightbulb changed? Didn’t Martin Luther King fight so hard for a color-blind society? Who are the real racists?”

Good question.

YET ANOTHER UPDATE: Tim Blair on who the real racists are.

OKAY, THIS IS THE LAST UPDATE: Mickey Kaus has a “sophisticated exegesis” of a lightbulb ad in the Arts and Living section of the New York Times.

Wednesday:

Q: Ari, does the Administration have any plans to repair the growing number of broken lightbulbs?

A: I reject the premise of the question. They could be better described as “opportunitybulbs”.

Q: How many Ken Lays does it take-

(sound of needle skipping)

Rumsfeld said WHAT?!!

Q: How many PBS executives does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Sixteen: one to do it, and fifteen to make a sepia-toned mini-series about the old bulb.

Q: How many Kim Jong-ils does it take to change a lightbulb?

A:

Glorious Leader
Salute the light-bringing Leader of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea
The Eternal Sun of humankind!
All of our hearts and minds are united of praise and love of Kim Jong-il
In the East and West, Korea is famous worldwide for strong ideology,
great politics, powerful military strength, economic prosperity,
cultural development and ideal morality and loyalty
We will win victory in any confrontation!
As he brought the new star that heralded his birth
The great successor to the glorious revolutionary cause
Will change the light bulb
Freely and independently, bringing illumination to all humans in heart and mind!

Q. How many bloggers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Only one, but when has that ever stopped us?

Q: How many Clarence Thomases does it take to change a lightbulb?

A:

Q: Your Honor?

A:

Q: Is he awake?

Q: Our guest today is Dr. John Lott, author of “More Guns, Less Broken Lightbulbs.”

A: Thank you, it’s great to be here.

Q: Dr. Lott, how does private gun ownership prevent broken lightbulbs?

A: I’m glad you asked. According to my research, 98% of the time, lightbulbs can be changed by merely brandishing a firearm.

Q: That’s interesting. You are aware according to 9 different surveys, 21% to 67% of the time the defender actually had to shoot the gun to change the lightbulb. 98% is obviously much lower than any of these surveys- it implies that it's almost never necessary to actually fire the gun.

A: Yes. Well. I did this survey, but the dog ate it.

Q: But you've been quoted over 50 times using the 98% figure. If it isn't correct, people could be making very dangerous decisions based on your advice.

A: I know. But the conservative media will still vigorously defend me. Ain't I a stinker?

Q: How many Dick Gephardts does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Who cares?

Tuesday

Q: Ari, what are the Administration’s plans for dealing with the broken lightbulb?

A: Define “lightbulb”.

As is so often the case, the best jokes are not by me. If you're not reading the comments, you're missing out. Case in point, from Andrew Northrup:

Q: How many North Korean nuclear devices does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Saddam Hussein.

(The preceeding joke has been brought to you by George W. Bush.)

Seth Michaels wrote in with this:

Q: How many Fox News panelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Four - one from the Washington Times, one from the Heritage Foundation, one from the Light Bulb Industry Advocacy Council, and Mort Kondracke to provide the liberal point of view.

Sam Heldman of Ignatz writes, with reference to a Pickering filibuster:

Q: How many Democratic Senators does it take to keep the Bush Administration from changing a lightbulb for the worse?

A: At least 41, and then only if they're really willing to go the distance.

And Uggabugga consistently cracks me up. I don't know where he got the photo of me, though.

Q: How many times this week are you going to break format to link-and-quote someone?

A: I don't know, but this one from Sisyphus Shrugged is a doozy:

"They should be consistent and say that we don't celebrate separation by race, whether it's the old Dixiecrat South or the new Michigan system of higher education," (Bill) Bennett said yesterday...

Damn right. It's a goddamn virtue to fight african-americans joining the professional classes every bit as hard as you fought lynching!

Well, actually, a whole lot harder, but it just means we've _learned_ something.

Q: How many Wall Street Journal editorial page writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: There they go again. When will they ever learn? A broken light bulb cannot be “changed” through the discredited feel-good liberal policies of the past. It certainly cannot be negotiated with. A broken lightbulb can only be smashed, smashed so thoroughly that it can never rise again to threaten us with darkness.

Q: How many Michael Moores does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Only one- unless he has a heart attack cause he’s so fat, and ends up loosening his bowels and dying on the floor! Zing!

(Much appreciation to James Lileks for the use of this joke.)

Q. How many liberal bloggers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One to do it, and one to point out that Atrios did it first.

Q: How does the Administration plan to deal with the broken lightbulb?

A: Helen, the American people understand that the lightbulb situation has arisen due to the policies of the previous administration, and they appreciate that there has been an effort to deal with it. The President hopes that the Democrats will abandon their obstructionist tactics against tax relief, national security, and judges who will enforce the law. In this time of darkness, we need to come together and support the policies that President Bush was elected to enact.

Q: But how would any of those policies address the problem of the broken lightbulb?

A: I think I’ve already answered that question. Yes, Howard.

Q: Ari, does President Bush believe that the previous administration’s non-eternal lightbulb policies represent a threat to national security? (etc.)

Q: How many libertarians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None, the invisible hand will do it.

(I suspect that I didn't actually write this one, but if I start Googling for lightbulb jokes, I'll never be able to think of any.)

Q. How many Bob Somerbys does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Try to believe that he asked it! We are incomparably reminded of 1998, when Vice-President Gore was asked...

Q: How many Andrew Sullivans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Bush again gets it exactly right. While the leftists continue to marginalize themselves by mewling and snorting at the lack of light, the rest of America will be enjoying the darkness that Bush has shrewdly provided. Once again, his instincts and deep bond with the American people carry the day.

KRUGMAN AWARD NOMINEE: "I think I liked it better when the lightbulb worked." Jimmy Thompson, 4th grade, quoted in (where else?) the New York Times.

I'm anticipating a tough week. But rather than shutting down entirely, I'm just going to change format. This week, all week, I'm posting nothing but original politically-themed "How many 'x' does it take to change a lightbulb?" jokes. Stay tuned.